


Close Your Eyes

by The Nox-Zi Consortium (TranscientNight), The Nox-Zi Consortium (Zikul)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: M/M, Sexual Content, aftermath of psychological violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 23:03:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9629096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TranscientNight/pseuds/The%20Nox-Zi%20Consortium, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zikul/pseuds/The%20Nox-Zi%20Consortium
Summary: Garak is waiting for Julian to return from Cardassia to bring him the treatment he needs to survive - and perhaps some answers from Enabran Tain.Takes place during the episode The Wire.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is an excerpt of a longer roleplay between myself and nox.fox, as co-authors we go by the Nox-Zi Consortium. I play the role of Julian, and nox plays the role of Elim (it's made especially hilarious by the fact that his personality reflects Julian's, and mine aligns more with that of Garak: In fact, that is what made this an interesting exercise for us both).
> 
> The roleplay document was named "Homecoming" which is unfortunately a name of another episode, so I took some liberty and named this file after the soundtrack "Close Your Eyes" by My Ruin, instead.
> 
> We might consider to make the entirety of the very long roleplay into a fanfiction at some point, but for now we don't really have the time (and it's nice to entertain a roleplay that's explicitly not meant for publication in the end)  
> ~BUT~  
> ...A properly edited version of this will be available when we start releasing the fanfic that stemmed from the first part of the rp. Follow us here or on tumblr for updates:  
> https://noxziconsortium.tumblr.com/

 

 

Garak had spent as much time sleeping as he was capable of. Really, his degrading condition didn’t make that too hard. The nurses provided him as good care as they could, but he could feel his body failing a little by little as time passed.

Resting on the bed, he thought of too many things; He didn’t just lay in there, he walked through memories of Cardassia, wondering if the planet was any different after those years of exile on Terok Nor - Oh, he knew it certainly _looked_ all the same to most eyes, but to his, the place was most likely quite alien. Too many details would have changed, the air itself would never be the same he once breathed. Moments lost, years unlived there could never be made up for, and his desire to return home might be Julian’s grave. And what for? For Garak?

Who was Garak? Who was Julian sacrificing himself for? There was nobody such as Elim Garak. A member of the Obsidian Order was no longer a person, they were an embodiment of Cardassia herself. That Garak be exiled from the land he was supposed to represent was nonsense. On DS9, he was but the shell of a Cardassian, the gesticulations of a tailor, the rumination of broken hopes he kept on stitching together without ever managing to weave a future. On threads of the present, he walked a thin line of uselessness. He was a discarded shred.

He’d considered taking his own life many times, but he simply couldn’t resolve to do this to what he was. To Cardassia. His love for what he embodied had maintained him alive, but as he waited for Julian, he wondered what signal he would receive from the man who once was Cardassia. And still was, to Garak.

Waiting was torture.

_“Come back, Julian… I need you. I need you as a friend, and I need you to confirm I still exist.”_

 

* * *

 

During his sleepless flight back to DS9, it was difficult for Julian to think about other things than how despicable he thought Tain was. The fact that at the same time, Tain was the one who had decided to be gracious enough to let Garak live, just messed it up even more.

How was he supposed to look Garak in the eye and tell him _no_ ? How was he supposed to ask of him to continue with his life, while the one man he wanted to be forgiven by, scorned his very existence? Wanted him to suffer? _How?_

And that Tain had dared to ask him to tell Garak he _missed him_ , as if somehow, the ball was in Garak's court. As if Tain didn't have the power to take him back, so that he no longer missed him. Fuck that man, seriously - not that Julian would ever say such a thing to Garak, as he'd likely be aghast about the vicious language, offended by the emotion behind it, and go into defensive mode over the man that hardly deserved such devotion. And why? Because for some reason, Garak adored Tain.

Well. Garak could adore Tain all he wanted. He could not, however, ask of Julian to adore him too. No. That was where the line had to be drawn. Julian had his own requirements for whom he adored, and Tain certainly... didn't... qualify...

... even though he had efficiently given Garak back life. And knowing Cardassians, it might just be a very backwards way of showing affection - or perhaps Tain was more honest than Garak (did you get to be head of the Obsidian Order if you were honest?) and he really only wanted him to live a long and miserable life.

Once back on the station, Julian resolved to ignore his desperate need for sleep, and went his infirmary instantly, turning up next to Garak's bed, without paying any heed to any other patients. He made sure to lock the doors with his personal access code, to grant them some privacy, and pulled up a chair, studying the other's expression as he laid there. It wasn't serene, like it sometimes were when patients were unconscious.

"Garak," he spoke softly, yet loud enough that the Cardassian might hear him, "I have returned, I have what we need to proceed. Are you ready to begin the treatment?"

 

* * *

 

Garak blinked and open his eyes, basking in the sight of his friend leaned over him. He didn’t have the strength to speak nor to make a proper phrase in that instant, so he just smiled, reached for the man with a weak hand and nodded. “I’m all yours, doctor,” he blew at last.

 

* * *

 

 _You are his doctor now_ , reminded Julian himself, as for a long second, he'd been unusually tempted close the distance between them. In fact, he'd leaned forward a bit already, and had to stop himself. Smiling, he took Garak's hand in his own, as to protect him.

"As you wish, Elim," he whispered, too fondly for his own liking. Then he straightened up, and took a hypospray from the medical table next to the bed, inserted the tube he'd prepared in the shuttle back home, and went with his hands to press it against Garak's throat.

Once there, he hesitated. _Was_ he Garak's friend if he did this to him? He opened his mouth, then closed it again. He'd sworn the hippocratic oath, anyway. It wasn't as if Tain stood above that. Still, he _was_ hesitating, and by now, Garak must have noticed.

 

* * *

 

So Tain told him. Well, that was rude, but Garak was surprised to find himself smiling. It did feel incredibly strange to hear his name pronounced by Julian, and in such a way so. He felt dizzy for a moment, a bit idiot too, until the pressure of the hypospray against his throat sent shivers down his spine. His shoulders shook a bit involuntarily and a bit of pink made it to his pale cheeks. He looked at Julian and kept on smiling, smug and cunning beyond the exhaustion as he brought his hand on the doctor’s, ast to steady it.

“Julian…” he gave him a questioning gaze as to ask what he was waiting for. There was so much more he wanted to tell… “What’s in this that makes you worry so much?” he caressed his fingers.

 

* * *

 

He sought for words, knowing that whatever he had to say could be counterproductive. Garak wanted to live, if he didn't, he wouldn't have looked into finding a cure from Quark. He wouldn't have told Julian to go to see Tain. He wouldn't have laid his hand on top of Julian's just now. _Garak. Wanted. To. Live_. He didn't even know yet whether Tain had forgiven him or not.

Or maybe he assumed he had, considering the cure was there. And Julian would have to be the one to deliver the crushing blow - _fuck Tain_.

"I'm sorry, it's been a long trip, and I just realized how much I missed you," Julian decided to evade the question, which knowing Garak, wasn't going to fly. Then, before he could be wrestled down by more doubts, he administered the injection.

 

* * *

 

The hypospray whispered against Garak’s skin as he looked at Julian, repeating in his mind what the man had just head. Those were unprofessional words if there were any. The Cardassian closed his eyes on them, trying to tighten his grip on the hand there to save him.

“What did he do to you, Julian?” he asked, then opened his eyes again. “What did he _say_?” He shuffled his body enough so the doctor could sit by his side.

 

* * *

 

Julian tried to retrieve his hand, but found that he was stuck. Somehow, that was comforting. Comfort was something he couldn't indulge in, not yet, Garak was still in a vulnerable state. Julian didn't want to upset him.

He sat next to the Cardassian, looking into the opposite wall. Truth to be told, Julian had hardly slept since he left for Cardassian space. Not only was he lethargic, he was miserable too. To top it off, he felt selfish. And he hated Tain for it. But he couldn't let Garak know or see that, so he kept staring into the wall.

"He wanted me to tell you he misses you," it was the one kind thing that asshole had said. The way Julian said it though, betrayed that it wasn't the only thing; His throat was full of tears that he wouldn't let out. It was not his sorrow, it was Garak's, and he'd be even more selfish if he laid claim on those feelings. His pain was insignificant in comparison.

 

* * *

 

So that was it. The least that could be said was that Enabran had a talent for messing someone with just a few words. Three words. A most basic sentence.

“He smiled when he said it,” Garak asked more like an affirmation. He’d frozen, gazing into nothing but his own dismay, maybe. He couldn’t deny that it hurt where he thought he couldn’t hurt anymore. After all that had happened… Garak was an idiot. What did he expect of the former head of the Obsidian Order? What… “What even… What else could he say!” he chuckled though there was absolutely no humor in the words. He closed his eyes tight, blinded by the painful light Julian had just shed with those three words. He took the hypospray away from the doctor’s hand as he brought the one holding it above his eyes, as to shield himself some more, resting his wrist on the edge of his nose. “Did he… tell you anything about Elim?” he still had to ask.

 

* * *

 

Julian was starting to feel like Garak was trying to torture him, just when he thought it was over, he'd smack him across the face with more questions. More demands for answers, answers that took a great deal of willpower to deliver without breaking down. And Julian's shell was wearing thin. There were already cracks in it.

"He said that Elim has a rare gift for obfuscation," he answered mechanically, his vocal cords were screaming at him to shut up, trying to strangle him to silence. And the worst part, was that the cracks were leaking. Even though the liquid staining the doctor's face was discreet and he wasn't betrayed by any sounds, he _was_ crying.

 

* * *

 

Garak tried to swallow it and found it to be tasteless. Sad, when he could very well imagine how much savor was to be found in Julian’s tears. Slowly, he raised up and shuffled to a sitting position. This was enough. “Julian,” he touched his face to force him to look at him. They were both very tired and pain wore them both. “You’ve done more than enough. You need to sleep,” he slipped off if the bed and tried to push the doctor onto it.

 

* * *

 

Julian turned his face away from Garak - he couldn't afford to show him his emotions, and when the Cardassian tried to press him into the bed, he got up instead and walked towards the door, then stopped there, slowly leaning forwards until his forehead was against the cold surface.

He wanted to say ‘ _You are the one who should rest, Garak’,_ but his throat was murdering him, and he knew that if he were to speak one more word, he'd break down entirely, and make a ridiculous mess of everything - and he'd shower pity over a Cardassian whose last, precious piece of self dignity rested on a foundation of pride. As if he hadn't already been selfish enough, convincing Garak to live a life that a large part of him wouldn't even call a life.

 

* * *

 

The Cardassian looked around, a bit hapless. He’d started to feel a bit more familiar with the infirmary, but this situation was getting to be embarrassing. “Julian, this is… This is ridiculous. This is your infirmary, your ...self,” he blurted. “I’ve been playing doctor more than enough during the two past days, so get out of my shoes and get back in yours, or lay down that bed,” he walked a bit unsteadily toward the table where Jebara laid her hypospray and took it. “You need to sleep, and if you need help for this…” he fumbled with his words in a way that felt highly unnatural. “Please… Julian…” he stood behind him and rested a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it gently. “I guess I owe you to watch over your sleep,” he managed to sound a bit more amused as ge resisted the temptation to tease Julian about his pyjamas and plushie.

 

* * *

 

A pathetic sound left Julian. He had to steel himself. Usually he was very good at it - he was a doctor, after all, it was part of the training. Unfortunately, his training had _not_ accounted for psychological manipulation a lá Enabran Tain in combination with a severe sleep deprivation.

"I didn't ask him," he managed to tell, forcing himself to stop letting his emotions do just anything. When he turned around to look at Garak, the tears that kept flowing down his cheeks were merely residue emotion and messages of exhaustion, "Tain isn't as sharp as he thinks he is," he added, quite boldly, "he said, that because I'm your friend, I should let you die. But it was never my choice. Was it?" he _needed_ to know that it wasn't his choice. That it wasn't his decision. That he wasn't the punishment device Tain wanted him to be.

 

* * *

 

For all he loved Enabran, Garak had to admit Julian wasn’t wrong on that one. After all, the decision to exile him wasn’t the best one in a number of regards. Garak pinched his lips, looking at the mess in front of him.

“He is still very skilled,” he spoke, “but I guess that if any of us wanted me dead, we would know already. It was probably silly of me to want to pass a word to him when, deep down, I already knew the answer. But I also knew I would be glad, whicher side of the coin he’d choose. He may not have forgiven me…” he touched the doctor’s face, diving in the black wetness of his eyes, “I still have a lot to look forward.” He looked down the doctor’s lips, his chest where he’d let his hand come down, above the man’s heart. He could feel each pulse with perfect accuracy. The proximity he’d created had him blush slightly once again as he looked up into dark eyes again, though he regained control of his flush quickly. “I’m not leaving, Julian,” he told with defiance.

 

* * *

 

"Thank you," he'd needed for Garak to want something. To look forward to something, to say that he wasn't leaving.

But the relief was only half. Tain had poisoned something within Julian, and it couldn't be undone. What was to say that Garak wasn't just serving Julian what he thought the human wanted to hear? What was to say that Garak hadn't told the truth, when he'd said he hated Julian? Perhaps the only thing driving Garak forward was his instinct for survival, and Julian had been not a good doctor, but a cruel torture device in the hands of the Obsidian Order.

He wasn't sure how the proximity between them would have felt under any other circumstances, but right now, in this moment, it felt horrible. He wrapped Garak's hand in his own, and finally, somewhere lost in his thoughts, Julian broke.

An agonized sound left him as he slumped forward over the shoulder of his friend, digging his fingertips in his medical clothes. He wanted Tain to get out of his head. He didn't want Garak to see this. He had no right to feel this way, no right to act this way, he was a doctor, he wasn't the one who was exiled, he wasn't the one who was hated by the one man he cared for. He wasn't the one who was supposed to break down and cry. He had _no right_.

But he was selfish. Wasn't he? Just like he had been when he'd decided to save Garak, just like he had been when he'd sat through the Cardassian's withdrawal symptoms. Because he wanted him to live. He wanted him to smile, to be happy, he wanted Garak to go home one day, to his beloved Cardassia.

 

* * *

 

“Julian!” Garak let out the cry before he could do anything to retain it. He discarded the hypospray, tossing it further away without even caring a second. All he cared was to be able to hold his friend fully, tight and true. Which of them clung to the other most was hard to figure out. The Cardassian tried to hold his own feelings for a moment, but found tears escaping him soon after.

“I… _refuse_ ,” he finally managed to utter. “This is a game I never should have involved you in,” he moaned against the other’s throat, “but I refuse to be sorry about my selfishness. Not now. Not anymore… Because I simply can’t allow it. I’ve damned you and we’re just going to deal with it,” he tried to regain some dignity. “I need you. I won’t let you be hurt,” he tried to say quite factually, though his eyes were reddened.

 

* * *

 

Julian was sobbing into Garak's shoulder, his arms folded around the Cardassian, holding him tightly to himself. They had never been this close to one another before, not on an equal footing, anyway. Julian felt like his obviousness was vulgar. Felt like he'd ruined how Garak saw him - he'd shown a vulnerability that shouldn't be there. Not that there weren't many more. If Garak only knew what Julian really was. He'd think him a fraud - and it wouldn't even be a lie. Tain would probably find it hysterical. Tain would win in the end - Julian had a feeling that Tain always won, in the end. It made him feel sick to the stomach.

And in that moment, he nearly decided to tell Elim his secret. To share with him something that he hadn't even shared with Starfleet.

Instead he choked a little on his tears, and came to a silent crying instead.

"Agreed," he mumbled against Garak's neck scales, "once this is over, and you are fine again... let's just continue like none of this happened," he buried his nose in Garak's neck, comforting himself, "none of it happened..."

 

* * *

 

Garak kept silent a moment, cheeks heating up far too fast from the sensation on his neck. He wanted to protest, or maybe to indulge. Either way, he couldn’t compute what he wanted most and his breath was getting hoarse. “None of it, for all I care,” he finally moaned in a rocky voice. “But can you forget, Julian?” the name rolled on his tongue in a way it never had before.

 

* * *

 

Somewhere between Garak's heartbeat increasing and his breathing turning ragged, Julian understood exactly what he was doing to him. At least _that_ wasn't a lie. Now, Julian had never not taken delight in awakening these kind of responses in others, but even then, he'd never expected to feel as good about it as he did right now, with Garak. And it wasn't just because he'd found a truth that couldn't be denied.

He breathed against the other's scales, taming his crying until it was gone and his eyes didn't ache so bad anymore. Then he brushed his lips over the ridges, up to Garak's ear, and the small area just beneath and behind the ear, where he lingered in a very chaste, sweet kiss.

"I'd forget anything, for you, Garak," he whispered into the Cardassian's ear.

 

* * *

 

The young man’s temperature had increased quite sensibly – it was really _quite_ amazing how warm humans could become. Garak wasn’t going to complain, it felt extremely good and he felt prompted to seek for this warmth. This heat. Julian’s words were yet another kind of poison, or an antidote, maybe. The Cardassian considered them, shivering where his body wasn’t surrounded by the embrace of his ...They were turning into more than friends, weren’t they? It was still time to back out of this insanity, still time to remain true to the Obsidian Order, still time to make the choice a true Cardassian should…

“If I’d ask you to call me Elim… would you forget everything each time you meet Garak again?” the tailor murmured. They were drifting in zero gravity and all he had to hold to was Julian himself. His heart was beating far too strong and the blood pulse had shattered whatever reason was left in his brain. He turned his face, nuzzling Julian’s cheek and bringing him to face him, lips way too close for decency. “Would you…?” he blinked slowly, like cat.

 

* * *

 

Julian was amazed by how the crisp blue of Garak's eyes had been all but eaten up by darkness. There had been a time when he'd thought of Garak's eyes as nothing more than beautiful by standard. Now, in the cryptic darkness of the surgery room, he saw something else in them. A terrifying darkness that told of all the things Garak were capable of, shadows of riddles that Julian had found fascinating were suddenly very real, and the words the other spoke to him were not as soft as they appeared, instead laced in poison. Elim's eyes were those of an interrogator, a spy, an assassin... someone in power, who demanded Julian comply.

And never before had he felt so safe.

"Yes," he submitted, their lips touching, light as feathers, "Elim," he tasted the name the same way he tasted those lips, warmed them with his breath, his touch, the wetness of his tongue. He nearly felt like crying again, and he wasn't even sure why.

 

* * *

 

And so that was it. Elim had surrendered to those lips and slipped into unknown territory. He was terrified and thrilled at the same time, lost and found. This was much more alike to Julian’s world, this was a waltz in which the doctor excelled. The Cardassian felt like a complete, absolute beginner and let the other take over, invade him, guide him, teach him and indulge him. Things wouldn’t remain so for long, Elim promised himself. He was a quick learner.

“Julian…” he murmured the name in between kisses, like a stolen sweet made all the more delightful by the larceny. He repeated it and took another bite.

He’d almost forgotten about the indecence of the entire situation. The medical clothes he wore, the tears they’d shedded, the infirmary around them, Julian’s sleep-deprivedness…

 

* * *

 

Expert hands found their way to the knots that kept the patient's robes in place, untied them, sliding warm hands in underneath the fabric, tracing the details of Elim's back, up to his shoulders, the back of his neck.

Julian removed himself briefly so he could entirely disrobe the Cardassian, sliding the soft drape down the other's shoulders, just a little at first. Looking at him, as if it was the first time he saw him. In a way it was.

He raised a hand and laid it against Elim's cheek, rubbing the scales underneath his right eye, then his lips, pushing his thumb into the wet, hot embrace of his mouth. Somehow, Elim was innocent, and Julian very nearly felt like he was taking advantage of him, as he stood there watching him, one hand at his chest holding the fabric in place, one hand on his cheek, finger invading his mouth so he couldn't protest. If the neck was a most erogenous zone for Cardassians, then this image was nothing short of intoxicating. Julian's underwear felt quite claustrophobic at the sight of it - he enjoyed teasing himself with beauty.

 

* * *

 

Elim somehow hadn’t expected so much daring and passion, and found himself witnessing it in first person for a change. He’d seen Julian flirting, he’d always known of the young man’s boldness, and if there was something the doctor did not lack of, it was confidence when he took action. But to see it was a thing. To live it was yet another.

He didn’t oppose anything that was being done to him, letting go off control and offering himself to the mercy of his friend. His body reflected his feelings with more honesty than ever; Elim had rarely felt so male. Blood rushed through him. He wanted more. No matter what Julian was about to give him, he’d take it all, entirely and completely. Standing there naked in front of the fully-clothed doctor, Elim was vulnerable, and stronger all the more.

Those doors better be locked. … For all he cared right now!

 

* * *

 

Julian let go of the fabric, and it ran down over the Cardassian like a waterfall, ending around his feet like a silent wave. Silently, he laid the now free hand over Elim's chest, sliding his fingertips over the scales there, the diamond shape, and then the ridge up to his right shoulder, up to his neck, massaging the scales there, gently heating them up as he closed the distance again, removing his finger from Elim's mouth, smeared his lips with his own saliva, and let his own mouth take over the task.

He didn't merely kiss him, he claimed him. While soft and acutely aware to all the reactions - ready to withdraw at the first sign of discomfort - he pressed his presence onto the other, consuming him.

Slowly, gently, he turned them around, pressing the tailor against the doors, one hand moving up to bury itself in the hair at the nape of Elim's neck, the other moving down his side, discovering scales on its way, and then to the center of his belly, where it turned and went up over the other's chest. Then, he broke the kiss into smaller ones, moving back once more. Just to look at him. Elim. _His_ tailor.

"You are so beautiful," he wove the words into a fabric, gifting the precious silk to one who knew would appreciate the fabric for what it was.

 

* * *

 

Elim trembled at those words. The doors behind him felt icy, but he couldn’t care less. He felt better than ever since even before his exile. Nothing mattered more than this moment, than the lustful darkness in Julian’s eyes, the way he looked at him and touched him. Blessed him. Had the doctor always looked so handsome? So powerful?

“You are so strong,” Elim replied like completely mesmerized and slightly astonished. How could someone with such a thin neck and smooth skin appear so strong?

There was no way any of them could regret what was coming. It felt far too right, it was far too right.

“You _intoxicate_ me…” Elim blew with a trembling smile and lust in his eyes. “I need more of you, Julian. All of you.”

 

* * *

 

Julian hushed the Cardassian gently and put a finger over his lips. In this moment of intimacy, truth reigned supreme, so the doctor moved closer, pressing his knee very gently between Elim's legs, then brushing his lips over his cheek, breathing heat onto him, reaching his ear. There, he lingered for a moment, contemplating what to do with his tailor. What to ask him. what to tell him.

"You are _a virgin_ , aren't you?" he asked, undeniable smug, and a little bit cruel as he moved his knee.

 

* * *

 

Elim licked the corners of his lips, trying to find an answer to the question. “As a matter of fact… Yes,” he felt slightly upset, which in _no way_ decreased his arousal. Quite the opposite, really. Julian’s knee felt closer before any of them could have moved. Surely the doctor could appreciate the honesty. Elim was starting to pant. He bit in his lower lips but some small sounds escaped him anyway. It took effort not to press himself further against his dear doctor. Pleasure was not for him to seek.

 

* * *

 

"That explains your greed," Julian thought to tell him, moving down over his shoulder to lick and suckle on each of his scales, "impatience is a virtue of the inexperienced," he chuckled, and channeled the vibrations of this sound into the Cardassian's sensitive nerves, "Do you even know what it is you want?" he asked, moving back _once more_ to look at Elim. It was as if he had to constantly remind himself it was happening, that it wasn't a dream. And maybe it would never happen again, in which case he wanted to see as much as possible of Elim's torment... pleasure... and untidy beauty.

He let his hair go and ran both his hands down the Cardassian's chest, holding his waist, capturing him.

 

* * *

 

Elim looked at his doctor, an almost naive smile on his face. He was _such_ a virgin, and he’d not really given thoughts to such a question beyond some wet dreams he’d carefully dismissed before. He shivered once more, his scales tickled with fire from the treatment they received. It was almost to believe Julian had been with a Cardassian before. Trying to still his breathing, he looked at him, at the shape stretching the crotch of his pants, then at his eyes, and smiled with more cunning.

“Do to me what you do to your lady friends,” he grinned.

 

* * *

 

In any other context, Julian would've probably found what Elim had just said quite hilarious. But here, he recognized it came from pure innocence ( _from Elim Garak, that alone was amazing_ ) and he wasn't about to make fun of the Cardassian's vulnerabilities.

Tears welled up in his eyes again, and he removed his hands from Elim's waist, laying them against his cheeks instead.

"But you are so much more precious to me than they could ever be," he whispered, "I refuse to turn this into a cheap duplicate of things I've done before, I thought you, if anyone, had higher expectations on me than that?" he nuzzled the Cardassian's face, then kissed the tear-drop shape on his forehead, his nose, and finally his lips, "I will stop at nothing less than making _love_ to you. Love, _not sex_ , Elim. Do you understand?"

 

* * *

 

The words transpierced the Cardassian, passing through him as easily as the beam of a phaser set to stun. He thought for a moment that his heart was about to stop. He could barely think nor find his words as emotion engulfed him. He clung to Julian, desperately vulnerable, facing the unknown, the _forbidden_ with absolute terror. “You do love me,” he finally murmured, in case this all hadn’t made it obvious already. “Julian…” he kissed him a bit awkwardly, “I’m afraid,” he admitted like that too had just dawned on him.

Emotions transpired clear like water in the blue of his eyes as he looked into Julian’s. His cheeks heated up, though. “I’m afraid for many reasons, but I’m even more afraid of this never happening if it doesn’t happen now. I want it, Julian… whatever it is. I want it,” he insisted pressing himself against the young man and letting his hips rock on their own. “I want you, not regrets of what could have been. I…” he wet his lips that had become dry already, “I think I love you. Julian.”

Those weren’t the things one learned in the Obsidian Order.

 

* * *

 

Out of all the things Julian had expected Garak, or Elim, or either of the person that was really one and the same, to say, that hadn't been one of them. He'd known of the other's affections; There had always been physical signs there to prove them. But that he'd put into words, plainly and simply so...

He drowned the other in his kiss, moving his arms to hold him, and then lift him, pinning him against the wall and guiding his legs to rest on his hips. He wished he could have him like this, always; kissing him, on his mouth, his chin, his neck, the small, peculiar little area below the ear, the shape on his forehead, the small pendant at his chest.

Why did Starfleet have these stupid jumpsuits? He'd have to remove himself from Garak to get naked, and the act wouldn't even be half sexy.

"You should have tailored me something easy to get out of," he jested a little and couldn't help but to grin against the Cardassian's chest before backing, still carrying him, all the way to the medibed where he put him down, very gently, and then backed away to start getting out of his clothes, not even once taking his eyes off of Garak.

Now, he allowed himself to look at his entire body, the intricacies of the very perfect Cardassian physique.

"I do love you," he confirmed, hoarsely, "I love you so much it hurts," the jumpsuit fell to the floor, and Julian contemplated whether he should remove his blue boxers instantly or wait a while, "Garak must never know," he said as if they were both hiding something from Elim's other self. It was a little cheekier, that way.

 

* * *

 

Elim hadn’t imagined his doctor could be this strong, and that surprised him – in a pleasant way, though. Being in his arms felt oddly good, and getting to look at him undress was quite satisfying. Julian should never put those clothes on again, that was the tailor’s opinion. His lover’s words kept on reaching him to the heart, and he even managed to feel a tingle of guilt for making him wait for so long. Maybe this whole endeavor was what he’d been needing to finally cross the line.

He smiled cheekily as well. “Doctor Bashir needs to be left out of this as well,” he concurred and let his gaze fall down the blue boxers, “And _you_ might need to be left out of _those_.”

 

* * *

 

Julian smirked and walked up to Elim, capturing his chin between his index finger and his thumb, forcefully moving his gaze to his face instead.

"You're being eager again, Elim," he did oblige though; removed his underpants and crawled up on the medibay, forcing the Cardassian to lay down so Julian could be above him, looking down at him. The way the light reflected in those blue eyes, giving them just a hint of a glimmer, Julian wanted to bring those eyes all the joy in the world. He'd _die_ for those eyes.

He washed himself over the other like a wave, resting his warm body on top of Elim's compliant, Cardassian-temperate body. He wanted to cry. Again. He had never been horny quite like he was now. There was a different dimension to it.

The way Elim's hair had lost it's otherwise so strict order, spreading around his head like a black halo, the expression on his face, the presence. The honesty of his body beneath Julian's, their shared and undeniable desire manifesting between the both of them, melding together into heat. He could feel Elim's heartbeat there, and it matched his own, and he wanted to cry.

It took a great deal of discipline to keep himself from crying. He rocked his hips slowly, to let the other get used to the situation, to the sensation, to being trapped.

In that moment, he was exactly as selfish as Tain had implied. He wanted Elim for himself. Julian, as he was now, Julian-not-Bashir, would destroy the Obsidian Order itself, if only it meant he could keep Elim forever. His tailor. His spy. His interrogator. He'd burn Cardassia to the ground, if it meant he could keep Elim.

He'd never understood, prior to this, how love could breed evil. Now he did. He should fear what he'd become, even if his evil lasted only for this moment in time, but found that he rather enjoyed it.

 

* * *

 

So that was it. What he’d wanted, what his body desired, what his heart yearned for. Elim promised himself he wasn’t going to let fear stay around for much longer. He received Julian upon him, he welcomed him and soon started to abandon himself to his doctor’s care. His respiration spoke of the pleasure he received, though he dared not be too noisy. He waved his hips in rhythm with the other and soon lifted his arms to hold to the edge of the bed above his head, leaving his chest unprotected and offered. Getting more daring, he followed his instinct and wrapped his legs around Julian’s hips to feel closer even. He looked at him, slight confusion passing in his eyes as strange thoughts passed through his mind. He wasn’t sure what more could happen, and yet he wanted it. Parts of him wanted more.

 

* * *

 

Julian did notice that while Elim had relaxed for a while, he'd tensed a bit again. He really _was_ a virgin - and Julian decided to help him a little, by explaining.

"There are a number of things I could do to you, Elim," he told calmly, like it was one of their casual lunch conversations, burying himself against the other's chest, treating scales with the touch of his fingers, his lips, his breath, "We could continue like this, or I could go down on you, and pleasure you with my mouth, or I could find some lube, so I can enter into you, or you into me," he licked his lips, and then Elim's left nipple, "I could use my fingers inside of you, if you're just curious about what it feels like," he found the Cardassian's neck again, kissing him there, "I could turn you over, take you from behind - but I'd rather not," he mumbled into his ear, "I'd rather see your face, your wonderful eyes - I could destroy the world for those eyes, the vulnerability in those eyes, the hidden treasures of those eyes..."

 

* * *

 

Garak closed his eyes for the nearly medical explanation, focusing on what sensations the words triggered in him. His body reacted just as much and by the end of it he hugged Julian to keep him close whilst he confiding to him those darker words. They echoed strongly in the Cardassian, fueling flames within.

“And out of those ashes, I’d rebuild one for the darkness within yours, Julian,” he moaned to him. He grabbed him quite suddenly to kiss him, a hand locked behind his skull and the other exploring down the smoothness of his skin. Holding him, he sat up, serving him further kisses to his lips, his neck, his chest. His hand found the way down Julian’s belly to touch his erection. The muscles there felt softer than his, and he was careful in his movement in case the man’s sensitivity might be different. The foreskin he found was an odd detail, but he quickly figured out ways to use it to pleasure his man. He grinned cunningly as he observed the effect of his soft torture on Julian’s face and his entire body.

“You’re quite hard…” he commented with a certain appreciation. “Get some lube,” he required in a lower voice. “I want you close… As close as you can be…”

 

* * *

 

If something could be said about Elim, it was that there would never be a day when he didn't surprise Julian in one way or another. The sudden determination was no exception, though it caught Julian off guard, and he'd let out a small sound, followed by increased breathing and, occasionally, whimpering.

The two of them... the things they could do together. The horrible things they could do. A genius healer and one of the Obsidian Order's best... why was he imagining _this_ now? And why did it arouse him so much?

Julian hiccuped at the comment about his state of his manparts. He'd not expected Elim to be so bold, but then, that was so like him. Shifting from innocent and sweet to bold and demanding in the bat of an eye. He grinned in appreciation, still squirming with his hands - he realized now - holding onto Elim's neck ridges with quite some force. Hopefully not enough to be painful.

"You'll have to let me go, first..." Julian nestled himself out of Elim's grip and out of the bed, walking over to a small cabinet at the other end of the room. He found some medical gel in a pot there, it would work just as well as lube (he knew, because of reasons). The only oddity about it was that it was transparent and ever so slightly purple, which wasn't the usual color for lube, but it wasn't as if it was going to be seen much.

He sat on the bed again and removed the cap of the jar, showing its contents to Elim.

"It might be a bit cold, so I'll warm it in my hands for a while before I treat you," he said, suddenly sounding a lot like a doctor again. He took some in his left hand, closed it, and some in his right hand, treating Garak’s erection to the luxury of some of the soothing gel.

 

* * *

 

Elim couldn’t help but wonder if Julian acted the same way with his flirts, playing doctor in kinky ways. That didn’t seem like anything improbable, and so he smiled with a bit of amusement. He let him do. As it turned out, the sensation wasn’t so cold as the young man made it sound – their body temperatures remained different after all – and the application in itself was quite pleasant, really. The Cardassian relaxed and eased in, observing alternatively Julian and what he was doing to him, how his hand explored the anatomy, how the tip was somehow more pointy, how the member stood straight, oddly slick and smooth in comparison to the rest of the scaly body, and how testes kept closer body to retain more heat.

At last Elim questioned him with the eyes, not entirely sure of how to proceed next. “I wouldn’t want to hurt you… You’re the doctor, that would be unfortunate.”

 

* * *

 

"If you do, I'll tell you to stop, I hope you feel confident enough to do the same for me; I do not want to hurt you too, if I did, I don't know who else I'd get to hem my pants. And if you'd rather, I can show on you how to do it, and then you can try on me?" Julian assured Elim, warming the lube in both his hands now, frowning a bit before continuing, "If there are to be other occasions for the two of us, which I hope..." he started delicately, "and you would want to try things that might be a bit outside of the norm, maybe even violent, there are such things as safewords. Are you familiar with the concept?"

 

* * *

 

Elim didn’t exactly hide his surprise.

“What I might be familiar with has a lot to do with violence and _very little_ to do with sex,” he merely hinted. “But please, one thing at a time.” Who was eager and greedy now? “Indulge my insides with your carnal charms,” he grinned, lust flashing vividly in his eyes.

 

* * *

 

Julian's cheeks heated up a little, as he realized Elim had just pretty much told him to shut up and get on with it.

"You'll have to gag me, next time," he joked as he crawled up in the bed and up between Elim's legs, lifting one of them over his shoulder so he could both start lubing him up and watch the effects of his fingers. He didn't need to look at what he was doing, when he could look into Elim's eyes and the small responses reflected in his face.

He thought about the first time they'd met. Elim had been younger then, much younger. And that was especially sad, since it wasn’t even that long ago. Elim had aged more than he should have. Julian blamed Tain, and then got cranky at himself for inviting _Tain_ of all Cardassians to take part of his thoughts in this moment. Go away, Tain. Bother someone else.

 

* * *

 

This was a different sort of invasion, peculiar, but welcome. Very welcome. It didn’t seem to hurt and Elim decided he wasn’t disappointed about the absence of pain. He grinned like a blissful cat and soon started to move with his lover. The human heat inside him made was something new, strange and amazing, and he was eager for more of this sensation. For Julian. “ _Come in_ ,” he pleaded with his eyes. He wanted to know, to feel, and he wanted his lover close to him again, as a warm blanket in this too-cold room. One he could hug, fondle and kiss. One he could be weak underneath. One to shield him and discover within him aspects of himself he’d never explored.

This was Elim’s and Julian’s moment. If someone decided to have a medical emergency requiring Doctor Bashir now, Garak would _kill_ them.

 

* * *

 

Julian leaned in over Elim like a shroud, pulling his leg with him in the movement, teasing both of them with his hot member so close to surrendering to the request.

He ran his hands over himself, breath held hard in his chest, his eyes locked in the other's eyes. Then his lips, daring to kiss him again, sultry and slow. How he adored those pleading eyes, how they beckoned to him, woke an urge within him to ravage what was his.

Exactly at which point during the kiss he'd finally indulged and pushed further, entering, he wasn't sure. Every last touch all added up to a complete and singular sensation; he felt the flavours and wetness of Garak's mouth with his tongue, but wasn't sure how it was different from the embrace he claimed just a bit further down.

He held onto his leg, and leaned against the bed with his other hand, running fingertips through that black, sleek hair. Breathing, finally, against lips laced with lies that could never satiate his thirst for more.

As he continued to push further in, it was slow, pleasurable and agonizing at the same time, but all the feelings painted in Elim's face made it serene. The Cardassian's beauty made Julian too feel beautiful.

 

* * *

 

Elim couldn’t have imagined how good those sensations could feel in their oddity. He disrobed himself quickly from the strangeness of the situation to abandon himself to it, feel this moment, record it in details. The fullness of it, the fullness of this mouthful kiss and the fullness of this sinful claim. Up, down, through and through, Elim felt owned, desired, taken, and it didn’t scare him any longer. He wasn’t alone anymore, and Julian’s presence in him made it known. And it was right.

The Cardassian had stopped clinging, and was simply simply holding on to his man, his dear doctor, trusting in him as Julian thrusted in him. Elim smiled, kissed him back, looked at him, breathing more slowly but deeply. It was happening. All of this was real. It should have felt unreal but it didn’t. It felt right, natural and good.

Soon the movements brought yet another layer of hoarseness to the respiration as Julian reached places triggering sensations unknown. Elim felt his body taking over him, but as electricity filled him, he still was unafraid. He trusted this wave of pleasure and darkness washing over him, caressed his back and his hair, his neck and his throat. He marveled.

 

* * *

 

It was a restful, mesmerizing rhythm that came over them, a calm dictated by care rather than self restraint. There _was_ no desire to hurry, no need to feverishly chase for the moment that would etch Julian so deep into Elim's mind that he'd wear that memory like a scar; Because that moment was already there, in the making. It was perfect.

Julian abandoned Elim's lips to let him breathe even better. He straightened up above him, folded his leg over his back and laid his hand against the other's neck instead, caressing his scales, studying him with warmth, confidence, unconditional acceptance.

He finally had the chance to heal Elim, that he'd chased after ever since he'd first met Garak. It had taken this long to get in under his scales, to find and satisfy a part of him that so badly needed someplace safe, some _one_ safe. If only the world wasn't so cold and harsh. Elim was too soft, too precious, too vulnerable for the cold out there. Wasn't that why Garak had tucked him away in the first place? To protect him? They both loved Elim, didn't they?

They were similar, weren't they? Julian and Garak. They both had someone to protect, didn't they? And Julian had taken Elim to his heart, a secret to be safe with him.

It was mesmerizing, the subtle but steady waves Julian washed over Elim, to watch how he moved with them, how the light reflected in his hair, the gem at his forehead, the sweetness of his eyes and the wetness of his lips. There was no need to hurry. Julian increased the speed of his movement, only slowly, his hand traveling from the Cardassian's neck, to his chest, then down below, where he found sensitive skin, caressing him there, too. The intricate patterns of his member, similar but alien compared to many other humanoids. Julian wasn't sure which parts that would be the most pleasurable to stimulate, so he tried them all, looking for any indication that he'd found the right spot.

 

* * *

 

There would be other times, Elim promised himself. It mattered not when nor where it would happen, it would simply have to happen. This felt too good and profound to be the only time, there was way too much to explore for this to be the only time. The tailor wanted his doctor to know him deeper, know him more than anyone else, more than Garak himself maybe. Obfuscation had its toll, and the Cardassian had been so many people that he sometimes wasn’t sure anymore of who he even was – Cardassia? Could it really be so? No, certainly not. No matter how manyfold he was, down to it, he knew he was still Elim, and Garak had to accept it.

He hiccuped from pleasure at a touch from Julian. He’d found it, the softer spot underneath his manhood, about in the middle of the outline, now bulging gently under the pulp of the doctor’s curious fingers. A moan escaped Elim, and soon another one, slightly louder. Meticulous in his examination, Julian soon found the discreet shape of the glans and the sensitivity of its sides. Elim’s neck twitched in a way only sexual pleasure could trigger, flushing red as lustful blood pulsed through it. This was simply the best medical exploration he’d ever been subject to, and he wouldn’t mind letting his dear doctor expand his knowledge further time and again.

 

* * *

 

The sounds Elim made were exquisite, and they made Julian realize just how addicted he were to hearing the Cardassian's voice; Whether it was smug, arrogant, argumentative or soft... Although his curiosity for what Garak had to say was most real, Julian wondered if there wasn't times when he'd been more attentive to _the way_ in which other spoke. The melody of his voice, the turn of sound... he had to wonder what his voice would sound like without a translator. What was the Cardassian mother tongue like? Was their language melodic and cryptic, just like Garak? Or was it more like Elim? If it were, Julian could understand why the Obsidian Order existed at all - who wouldn't want to sacrifice everything to make love to something so in need of protection?

Julian lost his breath, too, the more he continued to impose his sweet torture on Elim. Watching him surrender to his own body, the subtle twitches, the slow, snake like squirming...

In the end, the doctor collapsed over Elim, a hand on each side of his skull, taking himself just as much as he took him, guttural sounds shaping in his throat as he kissed him, inhumane, like a bestial creature. Contained, controlled, but free to do to himself, to Elim, all of this.

He dug his fingers in that black mane, to bring disorder to him too. To awaken the beast he'd watched slumber, rocking against him, into him, more vigorously. He wasn't holding back, but he wasn't turning into some savage Klingon either; this was love, not war, and as he suffocated Elim with kisses laced with the growl of a dragon, he was still gentle in his brutality.

 

* * *

 

The doctor was gone, only Julian remained, primal in his feelings, yet still refined even in the energy he unleashed. There was still just that ounce of control that kept him a gentle beast – and Elim swore to himself he’d strip him of it someday. For now, he was more than content with how deep he dived into Julian and Julian into him. He groaned against the other’s cheek and ear, caught him in the neck and, suckling on the skin, left a mark there. The red flower turned blue and the gardener within Elim beamed at the bloom. The taste of salt on the young man’s skin was unmistakeable, powerful and addictive as Elim trailed his skin with his tongue. He too let go the demon of lust, turning himself into a saurian monster, writhing and squirming for more. Purring and hissing wyrm, he tightened himself around Julian and soon started to sign his belly in long pale strokes as his manhood brushed over the soft skin. Rales of pleasure rose, untamed and undignified, yet all the more honest in the raw roughness of their sounds.

 

* * *

 

Julian only realized he'd reached his climax because he got light headed, his fingers turning into claws as he held onto Garak, panting against his scales, his body twitching with each by now erratic push, shooting stars inside of his lover, not exactly sure when it had happened, how he'd lost track of himself and how far he'd gone by then.

He had to muffle a cry, and bit down on the Cardassian's neck - he had to restrain himself from biting _too_ hard, whimpering as he forced the muscles of his jaw to obey his restrictions.

It was one of his most lengthy orgasms yet, he wasn't sure how many times he moved and had some more white to treat to the other, because he'd lost count after the seventh thrust. When he finally came back to his own mind, he was dizzied, instantly letting go of the other's skin, kissing the bite bruise and moving back as to ask; _did I hurt you?_

 

* * *

 

Oh, it did hurt, but amidst the deluge of hormones and emotions, Elim was too high to care. He’d watched Julian while he still lasted, marveling at the passionate display his lover gave him, shivering under the last waves washing onto him. This was all more than he’d ever imagined could happen, more than he’d ever known himself capable of feeling. Elim was astonished. Blissful. Exhausted.

As his doctor looked at him, the pain of the bite finally started to recall itself, but Elim laughed – tiredly but joyfully; and simply pulled the other to shield himself from the now biting cold of the room. He purred and kissed him, eyes closed to chase reality away for one more moment. Julian was still inside him and Elim wasn’t ready yet to let him go. This moment was too unique and improbable to end already.

 

* * *

 

Julian nuzzled Elim, then laid his his head on his shoulder, burying his nose in his neck, listening to his heartbeat, how it calmed gradually.

"Computer," his voice crackled a little as he spoke, "increase temperature by -" he wasn't sure how much he should increase it to, "fifteen degrees," he decided, and the computer obliged, slowly adding warmth to the room, to level out with the cold air that Julian didn't want on his skin, nor on Elim's. He sighed, content.

"Just a bit longer," he mumbled to the other, "just a bit..." the room temperature had laid over him like a blanket, and that along with Garak's hands weighing on him, was all the comfort he needed.

The sleep deprivation finally took it's toll on him, he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, and it didn't take long before he'd fallen asleep. Everything was so soft. Elim was everywhere around him. Julian was protected. And so was Jules.

 

* * *

 

When the tailor figured his lover had fallen asleep he did… have a thought about the situation. Awareness was starting to dawn on him. The position, the total, complete, absoluteness to explain it in any possible way other than the plain, simple and obvious evidence of what had very clearly happened. He glanced around, reviewing the medical devices, the walls, the ceiling, the floor. The doors. He looked at Julian, sleeping with the serenity of a newborn.

Oh, well. It was fine as it was. Elim didn’t care about anything else. Closing his eyes, he let himself join his lover in slumber.

 

* * *

 


End file.
